My Inner Mystic

reflections and insight into my healing, transformation, and journey of the heart <3

Like Me!

I recently stepped into the land of dating, a land I do not visit very often, and went on a lively exploration. I find this land intoxicating and frustrating and kind of maddening.  I don’t really date, I guess mostly because I haven’t met/crossed paths with too many men to whom I felt genuinely connected and drawn.  I can count on one hand the number of men I’ve felt drawn to, deeply connected to, and/or had feelings for since my big, 10 year relationship ended nearly 5 years ago.

I met a guy a few weeks back at the birthday party of a mutual friend.  We spent most of the evening talking to each other.  As the night went on and the more we talked, I could tell he was interested and intrigued.  He asked me lots of questions and stuck around longer than he intended.  Other than a powerful synchronicity that instantly connected us (he has lots of experience with a plant medicine used in shamanic journeys and I will be embarking on my first such journey when I travel to Peru in a few months), I can’t say I felt a connection or was especially drawn to him that night.  He did, however, do a fantastic job of charming me (umm, pretty nice to hear from someone that they think you are interesting and that they’ve never met anyone like you before) and so when he asked me for my number, I gave it to him.  In that moment I said yes (internally).  Why not?  It’d be a fun adventure into dating land.

We met for a casual dinner a week and a half after the party and I have to say it was kind of electric.  He came to life in a way I had not experienced him at the party.  He was funny and sarcastic and teased me a lot, which produced LOTS of laughter from me and not nervous laughter, but my real, authentic, from the depths of my core laughter.  I was blown away by how much he remembered from our conversation the night we met.  This guy was paying attention!  I could tell from talking with him that he has a brilliant mind and feels things deeply, that he values getting to know others deeply.  I felt challenged by this guy, in a good way, a way that I know if we danced together and developed a lasting relationship, be it a friendship or more, would encourage me to stretch, to continue to grow and deepen.

I came home that night feeling like I was under a spell.  I felt like I was swooning.  I had trouble sleeping.  I had trouble concentrating the next day.  I could feel the electricity circulating around my heart when I thought about him, talked about him, or received a text from him.  I had enough self awareness to know I was feeling the effects of a huge surge of hormones that my body released.  Whew!, they sure are powerful!

So why is this adventure into the land of dating so frustrating for me?  The waiting game drives me crazy.  At the end of our “date,” this guy asked if I wanted to get together again and in my own way, I said yes and communicated, again in my own way, that I enjoyed our evening together.  (note: the in-person version of me is not always as articulate and “smooth” as the written/edited version of me)  We didn’t line anything up, so now I’m waiting to see if he extends another invitation for us to get together, which I obviously very much want him to do (now that I’ve been seduced! 🙂 ).

After my body cycled out the surge of hormones, I felt the affliction of self-doubt and self-blame start to inhabit my being.  “Dating” stirs up my stuff.  I began to have thoughts like, “maybe he isn’t as into me as I thought” or “maybe after hanging out he is less interested than when we first met.”  I’ve heard myself say more than once, “I’ve screwed it up.”  I know this is kind of ridiculous because we only went out for one “date” and how much could I have done / not done to “screw it up”?  Is being myself and being true to my values screwing things up?

The thoughts don’t stop here. I even had this crazy, paranoid thought that I am sending out some desperate/longing vibration into the cosmos and that he’ll pick it up on his antennae on the other side of town and it will turn him away / scare him off. Alas, this is a very fantastical version of the “I’ve screwed it up” story line. But I do have legitimate worry – our thoughts create our reality…this is the teaching of Eastern philosophies and traditions, after all.

My fear of screwing things up, of doing something wrong, of ultimately being “rejected” is very real for me.  This is my psychology.  My “crazy” (and I say “crazy” with quite a lot of affection toward myself) paranoid thoughts and turbulent emotional state as a result of these thoughts is how my attachment wounds play out. For those new to this idea of attachment wounds…the relationship we have with our early childhood caregivers, and for most of us this was our mother, is the first “love” relationship of our lives and shapes and impacts every love relationship and every attachment (even with friends!) we have in our lives. I was raised by a mother who chronically disassociated; my little vulnerable self experienced her disassociation as abandonment. From that experience of chronic abandonment came the storyline, “there’s something wrong with me / I’m not good enough,” a common core feeling / belief of the wounded, a belief that was tragically re-enforced when my relationship ended.

Underneath my current frustration with my adventures in dating lies a whole reservoir of wounding, as should be evident from reading my tale. I so long to be loved and accepted just the way I am. I want to be in place of reciprocation; I want to be met. I long for a shared reality. Most of all, I long for the trust, safety, and container of a committed relationship, where I desire to share myself with someone fully and deeply.

After that exceedingly long and ePic prelude, I am excited to announce that you can now Like Me!” on Facebook!

I recently started a fan page and this post serves as my official announcement. 🙂


13 responses to “Like Me!

  1. Basia May 6, 2014 at 9:54 am

    You are such an eloquent poet! I feel you 110%!!! I’ve been there, in that place of electric hormonal confusion. What a wild roller coaster ride! You describe the dating experience so well!
    Showing up as you are can only lead to good things in the long run. Trust that you are enough!!
    Big compassionate empathic hug 🙂

    • myinnermystic May 6, 2014 at 11:38 am

      Thanks, Basia for the love and support. I am pleased that you enjoyed my tale, that it resonated with you. And…I so appreciate your reminder that I am enough! and for hanging in there with me as I continue to put my trust in the cosmos to deliver BIG!

  2. Sara May 6, 2014 at 3:11 pm

    Oh, goodness. Shared reality right here, girl! I am so with you in that I deeply long for a committed partnership in which we love and accept one another for exactly who(m?) we are – and also with you in that dating someone I’m really interested in stirs up all kinds of stuff! Thank you for sharing so openly and vulnerably. 🙂

    • myinnermystic May 6, 2014 at 3:20 pm

      Sara! You are so welcome and thank you so much for commenting and being a part of my shared reality. While having my stuff stirred up is kind of difficult, I am so ready for more. I’m ready to get in there and navigate through my stuff and hopefully bring some healing to these wounds. Dancing = healing! (or at least getting stronger/more able to deal with our wounding) 🙂

  3. Timothy S May 7, 2014 at 10:11 am

    Wow, thanks for sharing so authentically here! And thank you again for the conversation last night after the campfire – it really helped me to come back to a place of balance and feel more connected with you in this journey. If there is more alive for you from the conversation, I’d love to hear.

  4. Brian May 7, 2014 at 8:04 pm

    I really enjoyed reading!
    I was wondering if you considered asking HIM out instead of waiting for him to call?
    As someone who is sometimes feeling as nervous/butterflies/self-doubt as you described but in the other side of the table, I certainly would appreciate if the other person took the initiative for the second or third date.

    • myinnermystic May 8, 2014 at 11:13 am

      Hi Brian! Thank you so much for reading and even more for leaving a comment. I feel lots of love and support. I very much appreciate your perspective / input. Seems a very obvious question to ask and one that I asked myself. Re-reading my post helped me to see that he did extend an invitation and that maybe he was waiting for me to follow up on that invitation to see how serious/interested I might be in getting together again or out of a desire for ease/mutuality. Such a grey area/unknown in these early stages of communication, right? Ultimately, I did call him to initiate the plan making because I decided “I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.” I’ll keep you posted. 🙂

      • Brian May 11, 2014 at 6:18 pm

        Thank you for your response! I am glad to hear gender roles regarding taking the initiative are starting to change.
        “I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.” That’s the best attitude and totally true. Good luck!

  5. bluelori May 11, 2014 at 2:20 pm

    We have so many stories about what is “supposed to happen” and who is responsible for what when it comes to relationships, don’t we? I am celebrating your efforts to untangle yourself from the stories that limit you. And I am looking forward to hearing how this develops and connecting with you again soon!

    • myinnermystic May 12, 2014 at 11:22 am

      Hi Lori – thanks for reading and offering your support here. I suppose our life’s work is to untangle ourselves / free ourselves from our psychology. I look forward to connecting with you in person and sharing stories. 🙂

  6. Dave L. May 14, 2014 at 2:58 pm

    Thanks for yet another boldly honest post. After taking a second look at your title and your notice about being on Facebook, I appreciate the double use of the “Like Me” theme. When putting this story in the context of the Facebook world, it makes a strong statement about how people often use the digital networking world to perhaps gain some of the love and appreciation that may be missing in the “real” social world. I wonder just how the social networking craze of today affects our abilities and skills in communicating in person, often creating confusion between two people that may be interested in each other. Oh, silly, silly Facebook.

    • myinnermystic May 14, 2014 at 3:08 pm

      Hi Dave. Thank you for reading and for your insight. You saw into the subtext even deeper than even I did. I was quite intentional in my use of the double entendre “Like Me” and I was quite aware that “Like Me” can sound like a demand rather than a request AND….that the desire to be “liked” comes from a strong impulse behind an unmet need or a wound (probably both for me). Such interesting stuff. Ultimately my post is about what was stirred up in me from my adventure into dating land and not so much about announcing my presence in FB land, but my tale seemed such a timely and useful way of making that announcement. Thanks again!

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