What I'm Writing About
© Copyright 2011-2016
All original content on this blog is copyrighted by Bobbi Jean Ewing.
reflections and insight into my healing, transformation, and journey of the heart <3
This April Fool’s Day I am reflecting back six years in time to another era of my life, to a time when I acted foolishly.
Six years ago on March 23, 2010 I got divorced. Though the relationship was long (nearly 10 years), the marriage was short. We were married a matter of weeks when the relationship ended in a giant ka-boom. Because of that, I never really felt married. To this day I do not refer to this man as my ex-husband, even when friends or acquaintances speak of him in this way and even after all this time, I don’t use the D word; instead I just say something like, “my LTR (long term relationship) ended.”
That day six years ago, after several anxiety filled months, I showed up at the courthouse with two of my closest friends who came to support me. I sat in one room, something happened (I think it was the “no contest/other party is a no show” event), and then I went to another room, sat and waited, my name was called, I walked before the judge, handed him the paperwork, he glanced through it and then declared: “Dissolved.”
Just like that, my “marriage” was dissolved, like kool-aid. After all the stress of hoping and praying for a conflict free / uncontested Divorce, it was almost laughable. Dissolved. As if there wasn’t all the dis-entanglement, the heart ache and grief that ensued in those months after the ka-boom, but instead an easy dissolution…put in water and stir and BAM, silky colored liquid.
With the passage of time it’s hard for me to re-capture the stress of getting a divorce as a newly married woman. I can tell you this though…I learned two very important lessons: 1) a beautiful wedding does not make for a lasting marriage and 2) it’s easy to get married; it’s much more difficult to get unmarried. I spent *months* of my life visiting the courthouse, educating myself about the legalities of divorce, filling out paperwork, filing paperwork, and more. Basically, I was my own paralegal and it was not any kind of fun. I’ve not had it in me to go back to finish unfinished business, though a debt remains unpaid.
The unfinished business, the unpaid debt has been on my heart and mind this month. I want to close that loop, cut that lingering tie, sever that final cord. I haven’t done it yet, but it has been my intention to send my “ex-husband” a letter. I don’t imagine I’ll say much other than to 1) express that I would like to create an opportunity for there to be Karmic clearing between us, 2) to state that to this date the debt remains unpaid and I would like for him, out of his own desire to clear his conscious, repay the debt, whatever amount he is able, and 3) to say Thank You.
I have no hard feelings towards my “ex-husband,” my person of 10 years, no bitterness, no anger. What I do feel is overwhelming gratitude. The end of our relationship was the best thing that ever happened in my life and the way it ended, though excruciatingly painful, was perfect – it was exactly what I needed in order to be able to let go and move on completely. The ka-boom was an initiation into the next era of my life and I am so, so, SO grateful to be living in this era, to be living this new life.
When I do finally make contact and send this letter, it will be the first time I’ve done so in six years. The last time I made contact was on April Fool’s Day. I am a tiny bit embarrassed to admit that I did that intentionally. I sent the paperwork in the mail knowing full well the expected delivery date. I wanted the divorce paperwork to arrive on April Fool’s Day. I think I wanted to make some kind of point so that it might add extra hurt or upset. A joke, but not.
This year, April Fool’s Day looks a whole lot different and is full of TONS of magic. As my astro friend, Gemini Brett of More Than Astrology, is preparing to give a StarryTelling talk at OmCulture, a spiritual community and event center for the neo-hippie types, I am reminded of my own foolish action of six years past. Brett will likely illuminate the archetype of The Fool. His talk is promoted as thus: “The Way of Hermes: What could be a better day to hear Mercury’s Message? Let us honor the Sagacity of his coming rare Transit rather than Foolishly treating it as just another unwelcome Retrograde.”
I smile to myself knowing that tonight, instead of acting like a fool, I get to support my astro friend. I also smile knowing that I played an important role in commissioning this brilliant wizard to come give one of his star studded presentations at OmCulture. I feel so very proud to be supporting Brett and it delights my heart to know that he is pouring his heart into this and is collaborating with several local musical stars, including Michael Maricle and Pepper Proud, and a most talented photographer and videographer, Jim Carey.
This April Fool’s Day I choose to act in sage-istical ways. I choose to participate in something truly meaningful, to ceremoniously honor this day. Instead of being a fool, I choose to act in ways that are both Conscious and awake.
And… I’m excited to know that March now holds another beautiful anniversary. I met Brett one year ago in March. It’s our one year astro-versary! I was blown away that first day I met Brett. He wowed me with his astrobabble, mythic imagery, symbols, sacred geometry, numerology, tales of star quests, ❤ connected self expression, and more. It’s been an ecstatic magic carpet ride ever since learning about the stars and planets, astrology, symbology, sacred geometry, and more. My first ride on the carpet was finding Jupiter in the night sky. Now when I look up at that bright shining fellow in Virgo (my sun sign) I say to myself, “how could I have not seen it…it’s the brightest object in the sky?!” How foolish that I did not know what I know now. 🙂
Six years ago – June 27, 2009 – I got married. Though the relationship was long – nearly 10 years – the marriage was short, unraveling fast and then exploding 8 weeks or so later. For nearly six years, I have been a single woman.
My relationship ended in a giant “ka-boom.” I was devastated, hurt to my very core. The loss of my person was excruciating. I was in A LOT of emotional pain, pain that lasted day after day, month after month. The pain was tangible and felt like a brick was sitting on top of my heart. I remember having a thought that the pain could actually be measured – put a dip stick in my heart and draw it back out to see dark red blood all the way to the “full” line.
It took a full year to cycle through the pain, for the intensity of it to subside, for the grief to fade away. That year came with other losses too. My dad died nearly 7 months after the “ka-boom” and my best friend of 15 years, and also my maid of honor, “broke up” with me over email just weeks before the one year anniversary of the “ka-boom.”
At some point within that first year after my relationship ended I realized I was given a second chance to find lasting love, to have a truly happy and healthy relationship. I still believe in this second chance.
Yet, as time has passed, the bar has been raised. The more I meet conscious, heart connected men, the more I see and know what I want is so very different from my past. I lacked a positive and healthy male model in my father. My relationship of nearly 10 years was with a man who also was not emotionally, mentally, or physically healthy and like both my mother and my father, he did not meet my emotional needs in a sustaining and healthful way. Today I am grateful to have many new healthy and conscious male (and female) models in my life.
Nearly six years later, I know what I am looking for and what I need in a partner. I am looking for someone truly amazing – a new and lasting life partner, a partner who is healthy, skillful, and awake/awakening.
MANifesto: MAN MOST WANTED
Heart connected. ❤
Shares a commitment to healing, personal discovery, growth, inner exploration, expansion, transformation, awakening in relationship, and the soul quest.
Skillful – conscious and awake/awakening in communication and self-expression. Self-responsible. Responsive. Expresses feelings and needs and makes requests. Expresses appreciation and gratitude.
Empathetic – mirrors and reflects back my emotional experience and self-expression.
Empowering – mirrors back my gifts.
Spiritual *and* spiritually open. Woo Woo.
Has a healthy relationship to self, along with healthy friendships and relationships. Values community.
Present. Spacious. Sensitive (both emotionally and energetically). Supportive. Patient. Thoughtful. Gentle.
Upbeat. Vibrant. Charismatic. Passionate.
Inquisitive. Open. Curious.
Smart. (maybe even Brilliant! 🙂 )
Fun. Funny. Adventurous. Playful. Silly *and* emotionally mature.
Outdoorsy. Loves and respects nature.
Values education and learning.
Smells the roses. Looks up at the stars.
Healthful lifestyle – loves to eat good food; devoted to physical activity and movement, such as yoga; not dependent on drugs or alcohol; ideally is not allergic to nuts and is gluten and dairy tolerant.
Financially responsible. Professionally stable. Motivated. Reliable. Clean/Tidy.
Handy – owns tools and knows how to use them; good at fixing things. Computer Savvy. Mechanically inclined.
A man of integrity.
Shares a desire to create life, to bring a little person into this world, and share the joy of raising this little being together.
Together we resonate and share a connection, a kinship, a consciousness. (and we laugh together, A LOT!)
Loves me, cherishes me, values me. Appreciates that I am unique, bright, intelligent, insightful, independent, curious, adventurous, playful, strong, spirited, sensitive, loyal, devoted, and simultaneously traditional *and* unconventional. Sees me. Gets me. Is jaZZed about me.
A special shout out to my friend in consciousness, TimO, for being the inspiration for this MANifestO. We share space in our NVC (non-violent communication) community group and he expressed a strong desire to grow the number of men in our group to balance out gender dynamics. I started to craft a clever invitation, “Men Most Wanted,” to manifest men for our group. Men Most Wanted turned into “MAN Most Wanted,” my MANifesto. Thank you, Tim. I value you as a huMAN and as my friend. May we both MANifest!
Five years ago – June 27, 2009 – was my wedding day.
For four of the past five years I’ve taken myself some place for this anniversary – Italy, Bali, France, and Spain. Those first years it was especially important for me to get away, to take care of myself around this date. I’ve created a lot of new meaning and transformed what June 27 represents in my life. Instead of representing the beginning of the end, the explosion of my 10 year relationship just weeks after our wedding day, this date has become a celebration, an anniversary of my journey of discovery, transformation, and awakening.
That first anniversary was the biggest and the beginning of me reclaiming and transforming what June 27 means in my life. I remember saying to myself and writing in my journal something along the lines of, “my wedding day was the biggest day of my life, but this day is bigger; this day is the beginning of my NEW life.”
June 27, 2010 was the very first day of my first ever yoga retreat. That day, in the hills of Umbria in Italy, I did the biggest yoga poses of my life – adho mukha vrksasana (handstand), pincha mayurasana (peacock), and urdhva dhanurasana (wheel) – with help, of course. Reflecting back I find it very curious that the retreat leader chose me to demo supported wheel pose. I’m pretty sure every single retreat participant supported me in getting up into the pose. Wheel was the pose that did it, the pose that cracked my heart open.
At lunch after our morning yoga I started to feel shaky, started to feel my emotions rising to the surface. I found a safe, secluded, and sheltered spot under some oak trees. I lay down in the middle of a country lane and sobbed uncontrollably for hours – what a most glorious sob-fest. I remember having a sense that the branches of the trees overhead were embracing me. I remember visualizing my closest friends, and all those that supported me through my personal tragedy, in a circle around me.
Before I left my refuge under the canopy of oak trees, I went to each of the trees and thanked each one for holding me, for creating this space for me. I stopped at the last tree, was about to thank it, but noticed it was being choked by ivy, its branches broken. I realized this tree was not part of the “circle” of trees that had supported and held me; its branches were separate from the other trees. In this tree, I saw him – broken and diseased. Tears came to my eyes. I paused and then pulled myself away from that tree. I walked away. I let go. I headed down the lane back to the villa, but I knew I was setting out on my own path, my journey into my new life.
This year, four years from that day in Italy and five years from my wedding date, was the first year I was home for this anniversary. Five years. Half a decade, I knew I wanted to do something BIG, something sacred to honor myself and this anniversary. Four weeks before my anniversary, I realized June 27 would be a new moon and in that instant a WILD idea lit up in my mind: run WILD and naked in the woods. In the span of one afternoon, I created a vision for a sacred ceremony and WILD adventure.
Last Friday, June 27, 2014, nine of us, myself and 8 other spirited souls, shared a wild. exhilarating. enlivening. expansive. liberating. night together. I have never laughed and screamed (in shock and glee) so hard in my life. Felt so good. What a release!!!
The night was magical. Smudging. Calling in energies. Circle. blue Knots. Screeching owls (pretty much on que). Fire. Sharing / Being witnessed. Poetry. Personal Vows. Dancing. Playful exhibition. Screaming. Running naked in the dark. Running naked in the rain. Howls. Cackles. Laughter. Reflection. Rain sizzling. Rain steaming. on our warm, bright fire. Blessings. Singing. Love. JOY.
I vow to realize my full potential.
I vow to realize my life’s purpose, to do what I am meant to do on this earth and in this life.
Though we gathered to honor my anniversary, the experience was shared and touched and moved each person present in different ways. One woman shared, “I haven’t had this much fun in a very long time.” Another woman said something to the effect of, “I feel like a part of me came back to life.” Yet another woman said, “It was very healing and really powerful to see you ASK to be witnessed. It was exhilarating to be naked in the rain and to run into the dark.” Another expressed that she was humbled to be in company with others who were meeting their edge and stepping outside their comfort zones.
I slept soundly that night. I felt at peace, contented. I received a highly symbolic message in my dreams. One of my teachers and model of ritual and sacred ceremony, Cosetta Romani, wrote a note for me that said:
Beyond my own self-expansion, my experience of creating and officiating a sacred ceremony to honor myself and my anniversary has revealed my unique gifts and birthed a new dream: a dream to be a CELEBRANT, to create sacred rituals and ceremonies to remember, honor, and celebrate life.
washed by rain, both fierce and gentle
warmed by light, both harsh and tender
become the furrows
where seeds long buried burst their hardened hulls at last
And fall gently into the fertile earth, made rich by cruel disaster.
Dreams long stifled dare to send forth tender shoots
(from a poem written for me for my anniversary by my good friend, Kristen)
A seed has burst through its hull!!!
My new dream was officially born on July 1, 2014, my deceased brother’s 44th birthday. My brother died of brain cancer at the age of 27.
Grazie Mille, Cosetta, for the inspiration. Thank you, Robert, for planting Cosmic seeds. Thank you, Kristen, for the beautiful poem, for truly understanding the depths of my pain and wounding. Thank you, naked Rosh, for inspiring me to grow and stretch, to love and be love.
Thank you most of all to the 8 spirited souls who trusted me, showed up with open hearts, and filled the forest with laughter and de LIGHT! What a hoot!