What I'm Writing About
© Copyright 2011-2016
All original content on this blog is copyrighted by Bobbi Jean Ewing.
reflections and insight into my healing, transformation, and journey of the heart <3
As this Saturn’s day draws to a close, I’d like to tell you about my father, whose name was Robert Eugene, and for whom I was named. While my father, my dad, no longer lives on Earth, he lives on in the Heavens.
My dad passed on, returned to Source, nearly 6 years ago on March 11, 2010. He died as a relatively young man at the age of 65.
I did not have a close relationship with my dad. Instead, it was one of hardship and strife. My dad was a very angry and volatile man. He hurt me, my mom, and my siblings much and often with his hands and his words. I could share many, awful stories of the horrific things my dad did. It’s enough for me to tell you that my dad was a rotten man.
I have a very different relationship with my dad now that he’s gone. I even consider my dad a spirit ally and summon him when I need protection or support. I am still cultivating my relationship with my dad, my Heavenly Father and maybe someday he’ll be an ally that serves me in other ways too. For now, I am grateful for his protection and the guidance he provides to me as I awaken my relationship to Spirit, to the Divine Intelligence that is in all things, the Intelligence with which we can participate as we co-create and manifest our reality.
My relationship with my Heavenly Father began on Sunday, January 5, 2014 on my hike down into Haleakala, the big crater of Maui. My dad loved geology, loved rocks. He studied earth sciences in college and had several prized rock collections. As I trekked down into the crater in the first hours of the day I found myself thinking of my dad and wishing he could see and experience what I was seeing. I felt sad that because my dad worked so hard to support my family, declined, and died an early death that he did not get to see and experience the places that I have been so privileged to see.
Up there in the crater, I felt so close to the Heavens. I called out to my dad and asked him to join me and experience through me and with me the beauty and wonder of Haleakala. For those miles I trekked down into the crater I had a “conversation with my father.” Other than expressing my sadness that he didn’t get to see what I was now seeing and expressing my gratitude for the sacrifices he made, I don’t really remember the content of our conversation. The content really isn’t that important. What’s most important is that I invited my dad, now my Heavenly Father, into my life and he’s been with me ever since.
I mentioned that my dad has been providing me with guidance as I awaken to the Divine Intelligence that is in all things and this notion that we co-create and manifest our reality. For me, life is a bit like living in “The Da Vinci Code.” I receive messages and attempt to unravel the mysteries. Many messages take a bit of decoding – that’s especially true to when I began to more fully awaken to the Divine Intelligence.
In the spring of 2014, during my participation in a shamanic women’s circle, we were doing work with feathers and I found myself wanting feathers of my own. I said out loud something to the effect of, “I’m ready for feathers.” Within days, a Northern Flicker starting gifting me feathers, 3 the first day. In all, I was gifted 11 flicker feathers. I tried to make meaning of it and unravel the mystery. I arrived here: my brother’s death date is 3/11.
Not long after I was gifted the 11 flicker feathers, I was gifted 10 goose feathers. What did this mean? 21 feathers. 11, a number of mirroring. The mirror of 21 is 12. 12/21. My dad’s birth date. I unraveled this mystery with a friend. As I uttered out loud the connection to my dad’s birth date and that I believed my dad was communicating with me, we both felt goose bumps and a shiver around us. Kinda spooky, but I think that was my dad’s spirit we felt around us. (writer’s aside: magic moment, synchronicity…I hear honking geese as I write this).
December 21, Winter Solstice, my dad’s birthday. Last year I shared in “Light Born OF and TO dark” my revelation that the Winter Solstice is my conception date. I was conceived in the darkest days of winter, when the sun stands still in a pregnant pause, and was born into the bright shining light of the September sun when the sun was high in the sky. Whoa. Revolutionary! A powerful story of my inception as a being of light.
To celebrate the Winter Solstice, to celebrate my dad’s birth date, and most importantly to honor the light within and welcome back the light without, I offered a “second annual” Winter Solstice ceremony. Eleven (11) of us sat in all candle light and shared stories about our relationship to this date and quotes about Light. I led us through a guided meditation and facilitated a partner meditation, where I invited those present to mirror back each other’s Light. The ceremony was rich, meaningful, and spiritual.
To this ceremony I brought 3 sacred objects: my ❤ rock from Haleakala, a matching pair of duck feathers from the Klamath River, and my owl friend from Peru. After the ceremony ended, I packed up rather hurriedly but made sure my sacred objects were safe. When I got home and unpacked, my feathers were nowhere to be found. I checked every pocket again and again. No feathers. I started to feel sadness fill my being. I had collected those feathers from my stomping grounds and also my dad’s stomping grounds on a recent trip “home” while out kayaking with the pastor from my home church and sharing with him about my “relationship” with my deceased father. I knew there was a risk taking the feathers. The feathers and the ❤ rock both had a direct connection to my dad and I chosen to take them to the ceremony.
Sadness continued to fill my being. I had to go back out and see if I could find them. Somehow I knew what the outcome would before I started to retrace my steps: I found just one feather on the ground, a small miracle on this windy day. I found the one feather on the sidewalk outside the coffee shop, Revolutions. Though filled with both grief and gratitude in the moment, I took note of the spot where I had lost and then found my feather. Revolutions. Curious. What was my dad telling me now? I have my guesses.
Losing one of these two feathers revealed to me that unprocessed grief still lives within me. These feathers were not given to me by my dad in his life time. I had collected them. I had attached meaning to them; for me the matching feathers were like the number 11. I had become attached to them and what they represented. The depth of my grief over the loss of one of the feathers speaks less about my attachment to an object and more so to my relationship to my father – the relationship that it was not while he lived and what it is now that he lives on in the Heavens. And this relationship is twofold: my Heavenly Father is now my spirit ally AND on a deep, psychological level, I am invoking my inner father and healing that part of myself.
Today, December 21, is the Winter Solstice in the northern hemisphere. Today is also my dad’s birthday. Growing up I remember my dad referring to his birthday as the “shortest day of the year.” As a kid, I thought that meant there was less time in the day. I don’t know at what point growing up or even as a young adult that I realized that the Winter Solstice has the fewest daylight hours and minutes, that the sun rises later and sets earlier on this day than any other day of the year. And now I understand that the Winter Solstice is not only the shortest day, but also the longest night.
Late this last summer I had an “ah-hah” moment, a revelation, that I am light born OF and TO dark. My dad, who passed away almost 5 years ago this coming March, was a contracted soul – he was a very angry and abusive man. He lashed out with his hands and his words. I have a fire in me that gave me courage to stand up to my dad, to look the monster in the eye when he was full of rage, and when I did, I saw hate stewing in my dad’s eyes.
My dad was a very physically strong man most of his life. He was a championship wrestler in high school, college, and for the US Navy. He was both proud of the fact that he wrestled for a spot on the US Olympic team, beating his opponent twice, and sad that his loss the third time cost him a spot on the team. My dad used his strength and formidable presence to hurt people, especially with his angry words. My dad was a scary man and I learned years later, that the kids I played with growing up were afraid of my dad. Adults were afraid of my dad too.
The last 10 years or so of my dad’s life, his strength and his mind began to fade. He fought and resisted his decline, trying so hard to hold on, suffering through the nasty effects of muscular dystrophy. He died as a relatively young man at the age of 65. I feel and believe that in his passing, in his return to Source, that my dad has returned to the light and is no longer a contracted soul.
A universal teaching in many spiritual traditions says that we are made of light, that we are emanating light (measurable now through science, or so I’ve heard from my yoga teachers). I had a coca leaf reading in Peru this last summer and the wise and old Quechua healer who read my leaves said to me, “you are light.” I smiled hearing this, experiencing a moment of affirmation; I also smiled because I was hearing this familiar teaching in yet another tradition. I discovered this truth for myself, that I am light, one year ago during a light meditation when my spiritual and heart essence name, “Bright Joy,” came to me in a vision. Where my dad was dark and lived in darkness, I am light and chose to live in the light.
I live with intention and my intentions are to be conscious and awake in my words and my actions; to be self-aware – to see my thoughts, my feelings, my words, and my actions with clarity and discernment; to speak skillfully in ways that are non-harming to others, that instead invite connection and evoke warmth; to act and be in this world in ways that are gracious and pure of heart (not selfish or greedy or jealous or resentful); to experience the world and others from a spacious place (to not judge or evaluate or condemn); to be kind and compassionate toward others and myself; to grow, expand, and deepen my capacity to love others and myself; to be generous with my love, to give without selfish motivation or expectations.
This week I’ve been reading, “Celestially Auspicious Occasions,” by Donna Henes, for inspiration for a Winter Solstice ceremony I am leading this evening. She writes, “The Winter Solstice is an anniversary celebration of creation” and represents “The Great Uterine Darkness.” At the Winter Solstice the sun stands still in its retreat in a pregnant pause and from the darkness light is birthed forth.
This idea of the sun standing still in a pregnant pause, of light being birthed from The Great Uterine Darkness, got me thinking back to my revelation that I am light born OF and TO dark. I started to think about my birth date in relation to my dad’s birth date and I began to wonder about my conception date. I had a hunch that I was very likely conceived on my dad’s birth date, on the Winter Solstice. I checked out a few websites with birth date-conception date calculators and guess what??? I WAS CONCEIVED ON THE WINTER SOLSTICE (or within days of December 21, but definitely during the pregnant pause of the sun).
I am the spark of life and light that was created by my father’s darkness in the great uterine darkness of my mother’s womb. I was born in the early afternoon on September 10 when the sun was shining high in the sky and when the moon was still bright and full. I am light born OF and TO dark. I was given the name Bobbi Jean, named after my dad, Robert Eugene. Yet…I am BRIGHT JOY.
I am shining like the Maui sun. I am on a high. I am in love with Maui, with my Maui pod, with life, with the stars in the sky.
I returned late Sunday night from an ePic 13 day adventure on the magical island paradise of Maui. I spent the first week on my own and had a lot of time to contemplate the night sky and the stars. I became curious about the stars and asked myself, “what’s a star?” While we were watching a sunset together I asked my pod mate, Wayne, and he gave me his PhD answer which I’ll synthesize: stars are made up of gases and the gases are drawn together by gravity. These gases undergo an elemental transformation which produces a burst of luminous light and BAM – stars!
Last night after yoga I was sharing with my one of my favorite teachers, Denise, about my adventure in Maui. Her theme for our classes for January and February is Heaven and Earth. I was connecting to her theme by sharing what I had learned about the stars and BAM, a wave of insight flowed through me.
The synergy and synchronization in my Maui pod was absolutely amazing. More than once, we’d find ourselves saying the exact same thing at the exact same time in the exact same rhythm. I remember this happened with me and Rosh a couple of times; I remember one time we said, “I think so” in response to a query from Shayna. We’d anticipate each other’s thoughts or after one of us shared the other would say, “I was just thinking that exact same thought!” This happened with me and Shayna a LOT. Talk about cosmic synchronization and subtle energy exchanges (synergy).
Chatting with Denise, I was reflecting back how stunned I was and am at the laws of attraction that were at play with our group in Maui. I remember having this conversation with Rosh one night, expressing, “did I attract YOU or did you attract ME??” I think he had the same answer as my teacher, Denise, “probably a bit of both.”
The whole chemistry and alchemy of the group was incredible. I saw in each of us a reflection of each other. Each of us is at a different place on the same spectrum of light, but clearly living in the same light. Each of us transmits light from amazingly beautiful qualities and some of these qualities shine more brightly in some of us, but we all shine with the same light and we are all moving toward the fullness of the light and the fullness of ourselves. That light is what brought us together, the six of us – 3 men, 3 women – just like the forces in the sky that pull the gases together to create luminous light. The light that brought us together is LOVE ❤.
Rosh… I love you for your larger than life personality and I am admittedly star-struck. I love your playfulness, your ePic sense of adventure, your ballsiness, your upbeat spirit, your self-awareness, your presence, your openness, your honesty, your creativity, your passion, your hopes, your dreams, especially your dream to be a father. I love you for the Hope you gave me. I love you for your good vibes. I love the cuddle bug in you and the shy, sweet guy – he’s adorable (love that guy!). And…I love you for your fist bump! 🙂 I love you Rosh.
Wayne… I love the man behind the mask and veils, the guy that lets his hair down and lets loose, who has fun and smiles and laughs, the guy that allows his feelings to come to the surface and permeate his being. I connect with that guy. I love that you are becoming that guy more fully. And…I love you for your generosity, your thoughtfulness, your intention, your bright mind, and for being Wayne. I love you Wayne.
Kyra… I love you for your smile, your grace and ease, your boundless energy, and your giving and loving spirit. I love you for your strength and for your vulnerability. I love your maturity and self-awareness. I love the natural, gifted teacher in you. I admire her very much. I love you for the love you give to others, especially in the food you cook and whip up. I love you Kyra.
Josh… I love you for your sweet, innocent nature, for your thoughtfulness, for your kindness, for your care for others. I love you for your brazen courage, for your curiosity, for your desire to learn and explore, for your sense of discovery, for your vivid imagination, and most of all, for the boldness and mindfulness and freedom you are cultivating in your life. I love you Josh.
Shayna…You are soooo beautiful, inside and out. I love you for your spaciousness, for your flexibility, for your burgeoning health, for the nourishment you give to others with your loving, affirming, and encouraging words. I love you for your appreciation of nature, for your humility, for your mindfulness, for your openness, and for your willingness and desire to learn from others. I love you for your love of all beings, just as they are, for your ability to meet them right where they are and your gift to help them blossom and grow into their fullest, brightest selves. I love you Shayna.
I love you Bobbi Jean, Bright Joy, for your laugh, your courage, your tenacity, your fire, your strength, your thoughtfulness, your presence, your sensitivity, your playfulness, and your child-like spirit. I love you for your devotion, loyalty, humility, and integrity. I love you for your insatiable curiosity and desire to learn and grow, for your willingness and eagerness to go deep, to explore the depths of your self and the depths of relationship. I love you for your insight, for your bright spirit. I love you most of all for your open-heartedness. You have been through so much and yet you stand strong, heart open. You are an amazing being, a bright, JOYful light. You are a gift to this world and I love you.
Today is the birthday of one of my yoga teachers and peer, Erin.
Erin has made a very simple birthday wish, or goal. Her birthday wish is to receive 50 comments in answer to her question: “how has yoga impacted your life?”
In her birthday blog post, “The Best Birthday Present Ever,” Erin invites readers to share one sentence (or even one word) to characterize how yoga has impacted their lives.
Erin’s birthday wish for people to share the positive benefits of yoga in their lives grows out of her desire to foster a “more enlightened community” through her blog. Erin blogs daily at Awakened Heart Yoga where she often speaks from her own experience of coming out of the darkness and into the light, encouraging and inspiring others to discover the light as well.
Please join me in celebrating Erin’s birthday and helping to make her birthday wish come true by sharing how yoga has impacted YOUR life.
To share, simply click here: “The Best Birthday Present Ever”
What did “My Inner Mystic” come up with for a word or words?
The first word that came to mind was “stronger.” Because of yoga I am stronger in my body, my mind, my heart/emotional center, and my spirit.
Other words that came to me upon deeper reflection are “richer,” “integrated,” and “aligned.”
I continue to contemplate light and my inner light. I hold the image of light in my awareness throughout each day.
I began contemplating light after darkness crept into my inner landscape. In the darkness I felt an “I give up feeling” and the scary thought “what’s the point?” began to form in my mind. Fortunately I found a spark of hope and was able to rekindle the light within. The images of gathering wood for an inner fire came to me as darkness permeated my inner landscape; I was able to rekindle my flame of hope as I gathered this wood, kindling, from my depths. From that spark of insight, the idea of rekindling the flame within, contemplation of my inner light emerged. The notion of my inner fire became the inspiration for my last blog post, “Discovering Light in the Dark.”
As part of my contemplation on light, I began a new ritual: I light a candle every night. For a minute or so after I light each candle I study the flame, I become curious. I look into the flame and marvel at its color – the gold, the blue, the purple “hallow” at the tip of the thread. I notice the shape of the flame – its soft edges, its height, its crest. I watch the steady flame or if there is movement in the air that disturbs the flame, I watch the flame flicker and dance, swaying side to side, bouncing in all directions.
I stay with the dancing flame until it becomes steady and still again. I note to myself that the light always seeks to steady itself, to come back to the center, to find a place of tranquility. I contemplate how this tranquil light is a great metaphor. The light models a state of being I can cultivate in my life: tranquility, inner stillness, free from agitation of mind or spirit.
I put my hands over the flame and feel its warmth and its heat. With my inner sense, my heart sense, I feel gratitude for this radiating light, for this glowing and shining light. I feel gratitude that because of this light I can see in the dark, both literally and figuratively. I feel gratitude for all that this light is teaching me. I feel grateful that the light is shining on my path of discovery.
Sometimes my practice and ritual of lighting a candle is a symbolic gesture. I place an intention on the light, an intention I want to manifest in my life, such as tranquility. The light represents that intention, it radiates the intention, it sends out the light of that intention.
Sometimes lighting the candle is a hopeful gesture. The light becomes the flame of a hope, wish, or desire I have in my life. The intent behind this action is to keep the fire burning around this hope, wish, or desire instead of letting the fire die out.
Other times my practice of lighting the candle serves as a reminder of my inner light. I hold the light in my hands with reverence, holding this light as if it is a delicate flower or a newborn baby. This light, my light, is precious and sacred. In these reverent moments I recite Pantajali’s Yoga Sutra I.36 “visoka va jyotishmati,” which translates into English as “the light within is free from all sorrow and suffering.”
I want to say a special thank you to my friend Katy who is a source of inspiration in my life. Katy is steady like the light, unwavering in her friendship to me. In times of my sorrow or grief or when my hope is fading, Katy lights a candle for me and sends light and healing and hopeful vibrations out into the Universe. Love and light to you!! <3