My Inner Mystic

reflections and insight into my healing, transformation, and journey of the heart <3

Category Archives: synchroncity

A Curious Synchronicity: the WIND

I am back from south of the equator where I spent nearly 2 weeks in Peru. I dined on the delicious cuisine of Cusco, I gazed upon the amazing Andes, I visited famous Inca sites such as Saqsaywaman, Pisac, and of course the magnificent and bejeweled Machu Picchu.

Machu Picchu - flyingHowever, none of these sites or experiences stands out as much in my heart and mind as a most curious synchronicity at play in my life those last days I was in Peru.

I spent Thursday, July 24 grounding at our retreat center in Peru after 2 long days scaling the ancient rocks of Machu Picchu. As I journaled in the heart ❤ chakra garden, I noticed the wind. At some point during the day I learned that our shaman, who was to lead our cleansing, awakening, and re-birth ceremony the next day, had been traveling in Ecuador and hadn’t been in contact for some time. We were assured by the retreat center owner that he was on his way. His name, Wayra, means wind. The WIND was telling us that he was indeed on his way.

On Friday, July 25 it rained – a cleansing for Pachamama, mother earth. Wayra arrived late afternoon before our ceremony began at 8 pm. Eight brave souls, myself included, participated in the sacred shamanic ceremony. We each drank the plant medicine “potion” prepared by Wayra. For the next five hours, Wayra whistled and sang medicine songs, rattled, played harmonica, smoked big, fat rolled up tobacco leaves, blowing smoke around himself and others, continually cleansing and clearing the energies in the room.  Wayra tended to each of us, physically or energetically, chanting “cleansing, cleansing” and “healing, healing.”

At the end of the ceremony Wayra cleared and closed each of us – he sucked the energy out of my crown portal and spat into a refuse bin, he blew tobacco smoke all around me, including down the front and back of my shirt, he spat a spray of flower water in my face, he cleansed the energy in my hands, he whispered blessings and protections. I remember looking into his face after he pulled me out of my experience. I was startled and felt a little contraction of fear. He looked different than the forty something man who led us into the ceremony. In his face, I saw many shadows and folds – I saw the face of an ancient, timeless shaman; I saw the face of a medicine man.

8 & Wayra

The next day, Saturday, July 26, I reflected back on a poem I wrote about the wind last Thanksgiving day weekend after I spent several days walking in the wind and meditating on its qualities. I revisited my poem and was particularly struck by these passages, which almost perfectly describes Wayra’s presence during our ceremony:

 The wind is nowhere and everywhere.
The wind is a mover and a shaker.

The wind blows in and blows out.
The wind moves the rain in and dries the rain out.

The wind draws tears from my eyes.

See it. Hear it. Feel it.

I let the wind wash over me and around me.
I let it hold me.
I let it refresh me.

What a most curious synchronicity, an accidental premonition. Without knowing it, I was inviting Wayra into my life to assist me in clearing out old, stagnant energies, which is exactly what I experienced during our ceremony. I purged something. I don’t know what. All I know is it’s gone, that I felt and feel spacious inside my chest cavity, my heart ❤ center.

Meanwhile, back in Seattle, another wind was blowing through my life. My new friend Rosh, a connection I made at the start of 2014 while on retreat in Maui, was in town for a Seattle Blind Cafe and staying at my house. This was a first for me. I’ve *never* let someone stay as a guest at my house when I’ve been out of town. Here I was, down in Peru, on the opposite side of the equator, letting some man I’ve really only spent a week, a blind cafe, sporadic email exchanges, and a few phone calls getting to know inhabit my house and have total access to all my belongings.

my inner mystic & Rosh

But…I trust Rosh completely and I didn’t have an ounce of anxiety after I said yes to him “moving into” my house. I was completely ok with his windy/vata energy (code for scattered, a wee bit messy, and kinda accident prone) “living in” my house. Being the more grounded/kapha-ish sort (code for organized and tidy), I noticed and felt the effects of his windy energy when I returned home. I was ok with it and in fact, I found it refreshing to have Rosh’s energy stir and move things around in my house, both literally and figuratively. What good practice for me to be ok with someone being in my sacred space, to welcome someone so fully into my life, and most importantly to TRUST.

At the same time (literally) I was entrusting Rosh with my house, I was also cultivating a trust with Wayra and the plant medicine, learning to trust the plant’s intelligence and wisdom. Out of that trust, I received a most precious lesson and gift from the wind.

Let the wind blow through me. Let the wind clear out stagnant energy. Like the rain, the wind is cleansing and the strongest of winds can be both transformative and healing.

Let … the… wind … in … (and TRUST) !

Like Me!

I recently stepped into the land of dating, a land I do not visit very often, and went on a lively exploration. I find this land intoxicating and frustrating and kind of maddening.  I don’t really date, I guess mostly because I haven’t met/crossed paths with too many men to whom I felt genuinely connected and drawn.  I can count on one hand the number of men I’ve felt drawn to, deeply connected to, and/or had feelings for since my big, 10 year relationship ended nearly 5 years ago.

I met a guy a few weeks back at the birthday party of a mutual friend.  We spent most of the evening talking to each other.  As the night went on and the more we talked, I could tell he was interested and intrigued.  He asked me lots of questions and stuck around longer than he intended.  Other than a powerful synchronicity that instantly connected us (he has lots of experience with a plant medicine used in shamanic journeys and I will be embarking on my first such journey when I travel to Peru in a few months), I can’t say I felt a connection or was especially drawn to him that night.  He did, however, do a fantastic job of charming me (umm, pretty nice to hear from someone that they think you are interesting and that they’ve never met anyone like you before) and so when he asked me for my number, I gave it to him.  In that moment I said yes (internally).  Why not?  It’d be a fun adventure into dating land.

We met for a casual dinner a week and a half after the party and I have to say it was kind of electric.  He came to life in a way I had not experienced him at the party.  He was funny and sarcastic and teased me a lot, which produced LOTS of laughter from me and not nervous laughter, but my real, authentic, from the depths of my core laughter.  I was blown away by how much he remembered from our conversation the night we met.  This guy was paying attention!  I could tell from talking with him that he has a brilliant mind and feels things deeply, that he values getting to know others deeply.  I felt challenged by this guy, in a good way, a way that I know if we danced together and developed a lasting relationship, be it a friendship or more, would encourage me to stretch, to continue to grow and deepen.

I came home that night feeling like I was under a spell.  I felt like I was swooning.  I had trouble sleeping.  I had trouble concentrating the next day.  I could feel the electricity circulating around my heart when I thought about him, talked about him, or received a text from him.  I had enough self awareness to know I was feeling the effects of a huge surge of hormones that my body released.  Whew!, they sure are powerful!

So why is this adventure into the land of dating so frustrating for me?  The waiting game drives me crazy.  At the end of our “date,” this guy asked if I wanted to get together again and in my own way, I said yes and communicated, again in my own way, that I enjoyed our evening together.  (note: the in-person version of me is not always as articulate and “smooth” as the written/edited version of me)  We didn’t line anything up, so now I’m waiting to see if he extends another invitation for us to get together, which I obviously very much want him to do (now that I’ve been seduced! 🙂 ).

After my body cycled out the surge of hormones, I felt the affliction of self-doubt and self-blame start to inhabit my being.  “Dating” stirs up my stuff.  I began to have thoughts like, “maybe he isn’t as into me as I thought” or “maybe after hanging out he is less interested than when we first met.”  I’ve heard myself say more than once, “I’ve screwed it up.”  I know this is kind of ridiculous because we only went out for one “date” and how much could I have done / not done to “screw it up”?  Is being myself and being true to my values screwing things up?

The thoughts don’t stop here. I even had this crazy, paranoid thought that I am sending out some desperate/longing vibration into the cosmos and that he’ll pick it up on his antennae on the other side of town and it will turn him away / scare him off. Alas, this is a very fantastical version of the “I’ve screwed it up” story line. But I do have legitimate worry – our thoughts create our reality…this is the teaching of Eastern philosophies and traditions, after all.

My fear of screwing things up, of doing something wrong, of ultimately being “rejected” is very real for me.  This is my psychology.  My “crazy” (and I say “crazy” with quite a lot of affection toward myself) paranoid thoughts and turbulent emotional state as a result of these thoughts is how my attachment wounds play out. For those new to this idea of attachment wounds…the relationship we have with our early childhood caregivers, and for most of us this was our mother, is the first “love” relationship of our lives and shapes and impacts every love relationship and every attachment (even with friends!) we have in our lives. I was raised by a mother who chronically disassociated; my little vulnerable self experienced her disassociation as abandonment. From that experience of chronic abandonment came the storyline, “there’s something wrong with me / I’m not good enough,” a common core feeling / belief of the wounded, a belief that was tragically re-enforced when my relationship ended.

Underneath my current frustration with my adventures in dating lies a whole reservoir of wounding, as should be evident from reading my tale. I so long to be loved and accepted just the way I am. I want to be in place of reciprocation; I want to be met. I long for a shared reality. Most of all, I long for the trust, safety, and container of a committed relationship, where I desire to share myself with someone fully and deeply.

After that exceedingly long and ePic prelude, I am excited to announce that you can now Like Me!” on Facebook!

I recently started a fan page and this post serves as my official announcement. 🙂

Like

Maui Magic = LOVE

I am shining like the Maui sun.  I am on a high.  I am in love with Maui, with my Maui pod, with life, with the stars in the sky.

I returned late Sunday night from an ePic 13 day adventure on the magical island paradise of Maui.  I spent the first week on my own and had a lot of time to contemplate the night sky and the stars.  I became curious about the stars and asked myself, “what’s a star?”  While we were watching a sunset together I asked my pod mate, Wayne, and he gave me his PhD answer which I’ll synthesize:  stars are made up of gases and the gases are drawn together by gravity.  These gases undergo an elemental transformation which produces a burst of luminous light and BAM – stars!

Last night after yoga I was sharing with my one of my favorite teachers, Denise, about my adventure in Maui.  Her theme for our classes for January and February is Heaven and Earth.  I was connecting to her theme by sharing what I had learned about the stars and BAM, a wave of insight flowed through me.

The synergy and synchronization in my Maui pod was absolutely amazing.  More than once, we’d find ourselves saying the exact same thing at the exact same time in the exact same rhythm.  I remember this happened with me and Rosh a couple of times; I remember one time we said, “I think so” in response to a query from Shayna.  We’d anticipate each other’s thoughts or after one of us shared the other would say, “I was just thinking that exact same thought!”  This happened with me and Shayna a LOT.  Talk about cosmic synchronization and subtle energy exchanges (synergy).

Chatting with Denise, I was reflecting back how stunned I was and am at the laws of attraction that were at play with our group in Maui.  I remember having this conversation with Rosh one night, expressing, “did I attract YOU or did you attract ME??”  I think he had the same answer as my teacher, Denise, “probably a bit of both.”

The whole chemistry and alchemy of the group was incredible.  I saw in each of us a reflection of each other.  Each of us is at a different place on the same spectrum of light, but clearly living in the same light.  Each of us transmits light from amazingly beautiful qualities and some of these qualities shine more brightly in some of us, but we all shine with the same light and we are all moving toward the fullness of the light and the fullness of ourselves.  That light is what brought us together, the six of us – 3 men, 3 women – just like the forces in the sky that pull the gases together to create luminous light.  The light that brought us together is LOVE ❤.

heart rock - Haleakala

RoshRosh… I love you for your larger than life personality and I am admittedly star-struck.  I love your playfulness, your ePic sense of adventure, your ballsiness, your upbeat spirit, your self-awareness, your presence, your openness, your honesty, your creativity, your passion, your hopes, your dreams, especially your dream to be a father.  I love you for the Hope you gave me.  I love you for your good vibes.  I love the cuddle bug in you and the shy, sweet guy – he’s adorable (love that guy!).  And…I love you for your fist bump! 🙂  I love you Rosh.

WayneWayne… I love the man behind the mask and veils, the guy that lets his hair down and lets loose, who has fun and smiles and laughs, the guy that allows his feelings to come to the surface and permeate his being.  I connect with that guy.  I love that you are becoming that guy more fully.  And…I love you for your generosity, your thoughtfulness, your intention, your bright mind, and for being Wayne.  I love you Wayne.

Kyra @ Coconut Glen's

Kyra… I love you for your smile, your grace and ease, your boundless energy, and your giving and loving spirit.  I love you for your strength and for your vulnerability.  I love your maturity and self-awareness.  I love the natural, gifted teacher in you.  I admire her very much.  I love you for the love you give to others, especially in the food you cook and whip up. I love you Kyra.

JoshJosh… I love you for your sweet, innocent nature, for your thoughtfulness, for your kindness, for your care for others.  I love you for your brazen courage, for your curiosity, for your desire to learn and explore, for your sense of discovery, for your vivid imagination, and most of all, for the boldness and mindfulness and freedom you are cultivating in your life.  I love you Josh.

ShaynaShayna…You are soooo beautiful, inside and out.  I love you for your spaciousness, for your flexibility, for your burgeoning health, for the nourishment you give to others with your loving, affirming, and encouraging words.  I love you for your appreciation of nature, for your humility, for your mindfulness, for your openness, and for your willingness and desire to learn from others.  I love you for your love of all beings, just as they are, for your ability to meet them right where they are and your gift to help them blossom and grow into their fullest, brightest selves.  I love you Shayna.

Bright Joy

I love you Bright Joy for your laugh, your courage, your tenacity, your fire, your strength, your thoughtfulness, your presence, your sensitivity, your playfulness, and your child-like spirit.  I love you for your devotion, loyalty, humility, and integrity.  I love you for your insatiable curiosity and desire to learn and grow, for your willingness and eagerness to go deep, to explore the depths of your self and the depths of relationship.  I love you for your insight, for your bright spirit.  I love you most of all for your open-heartedness.  You have been through so much and yet you stand strong, heart open.  You are an amazing being, a bright, JOYful light.  You are a gift to this world and I love you.

Maui pod

to my Maui pod, with so, so, SO much LOVE ❤