My Inner Mystic

reflections and insight into my healing, transformation, and journey of the heart <3

Category Archives: transformation

The Fool in April Fool’s Day

This April Fool’s Day I am reflecting back six years in time to another era of my life, to a time when I acted foolishly.

Six years ago on March 23, 2010 I got divorced.  Though the relationship was long (nearly 10 years), the marriage was short.  We were married a matter of weeks when the relationship ended in a giant ka-boom.  Because of that, I never really felt married.  To this day I do not refer to this man as my ex-husband, even when friends or acquaintances speak of him in this way and even after all this time, I don’t use the D word; instead I just say something like, “my LTR (long term relationship) ended.”

That day six years ago, after several anxiety filled months, I showed up at the courthouse with two of my closest friends who came to support me.  I sat in one room, something happened (I think it was the “no contest/other party is a no show” event), and then I went to another room, sat and waited, my name was called, I walked before the judge, handed him the paperwork, he glanced through it and then declared:  “Dissolved.”

Just like that, my “marriage” was dissolved, like kool-aid.  After all the stress of hoping and praying for a conflict free / uncontested Divorce, it was almost laughable.  Dissolved.  As if there wasn’t all the dis-entanglement, the heart ache and grief that ensued in those months after the ka-boom, but instead an easy dissolution…put in water and stir and BAM, silky colored liquid.

With the passage of time it’s hard for me to re-capture the stress of getting a divorce as a newly married woman.  I can tell you this though…I learned two very important lessons:  1) a beautiful wedding does not make for a lasting marriage and 2) it’s easy to get married; it’s much more difficult to get unmarried.  I spent *months* of my life visiting the courthouse, educating myself about the legalities of divorce, filling out paperwork, filing paperwork, and more.  Basically, I was my own paralegal and it was not any kind of fun.  I’ve not had it in me to go back to finish unfinished business, though a debt remains unpaid.

The unfinished business, the unpaid debt has been on my heart and mind this month.  I want to close that loop, cut that lingering tie, sever that final cord.  I haven’t done it yet, but it has been my intention to send my “ex-husband” a letter.  I don’t imagine I’ll say much other than to 1) express that I would like to create an opportunity for there to be Karmic clearing between us, 2) to state that to this date the debt remains unpaid and I would like for him, out of his own desire to clear his conscious, repay the debt, whatever amount he is able, and 3) to say Thank You.

I have no hard feelings towards my “ex-husband,” my person of 10 years, no bitterness, no anger.  What I do feel is overwhelming gratitude.  The end of our relationship was the best thing that ever happened in my life and the way it ended, though excruciatingly painful, was perfect – it was exactly what I needed in order to be able to let go and move on completely.  The ka-boom was an initiation into the next era of my life and I am so, so, SO grateful to be living in this era, to be living this new life.

When I do finally make contact and send this letter, it will be the first time I’ve done so in six years.  The last time I made contact was on April Fool’s Day.  I am a tiny bit embarrassed to admit that I did that intentionally.  I sent the paperwork in the mail knowing full well the expected delivery date.  I wanted the divorce paperwork to arrive on April Fool’s Day.  I think I wanted to make some kind of point so that it might add extra hurt or upset.  A joke, but not.

This year, April Fool’s Day looks a whole lot different and is full of TONS of magic.  As my astro friend, Gemini Brett of More Than Astrology, is preparing to give a StarryTelling talk at OmCulture, a spiritual community and event center for the neo-hippie types, I am reminded of my own foolish action of six years past.  Brett will likely illuminate the archetype of The Fool.  His talk is promoted as thus:  “The Way of Hermes:  What could be a better day to hear Mercury’s Message? Let us honor the Sagacity of his coming rare Transit rather than Foolishly treating it as just another unwelcome Retrograde.”

I smile to myself knowing that tonight, instead of acting like a fool, I get to support my astro friend.  I also smile knowing that I played an important role in commissioning this brilliant wizard to come give one of his star studded presentations at OmCulture. I feel so very proud to be supporting Brett and it delights my heart to know that he is pouring his heart into this and is collaborating with several local musical stars, including Michael Maricle and Pepper Proud, and a most talented photographer and videographer, Jim Carey.

This April Fool’s Day I choose to act in sage-istical ways.  I choose to participate in something truly meaningful, to ceremoniously honor this day.  Instead of being a fool, I choose to act in ways that are both Conscious and awake.

And… I’m excited to know that March now holds another beautiful anniversary.  I met Brett one year ago in March.  It’s our one year astro-versary!  I was blown away that first day I met Brett. He wowed me with his astrobabble, mythic imagery, symbols, sacred geometry, numerology, tales of star quests, ❤ connected self expression, and more. It’s been an ecstatic magic carpet ride ever since learning about the stars and planets, astrology, symbology, sacred geometry, and more. My first ride on the carpet was finding Jupiter in the night sky. Now when I look up at that bright shining fellow in Virgo (my sun sign) I say to myself, “how could I have not seen it…it’s the brightest object in the sky?!”  How foolish that I did not know what I know now.  🙂

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my wizard friend, Gemini Brett, of More Than Astrology

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A Curious Synchronicity: the WIND

I am back from south of the equator where I spent nearly 2 weeks in Peru. I dined on the delicious cuisine of Cusco, I gazed upon the amazing Andes, I visited famous Inca sites such as Saqsaywaman, Pisac, and of course the magnificent and bejeweled Machu Picchu.

Machu Picchu - flyingHowever, none of these sites or experiences stands out as much in my heart and mind as a most curious synchronicity at play in my life those last days I was in Peru.

I spent Thursday, July 24 grounding at our retreat center in Peru after 2 long days scaling the ancient rocks of Machu Picchu. As I journaled in the heart ❤ chakra garden, I noticed the wind. At some point during the day I learned that our shaman, who was to lead our cleansing, awakening, and re-birth ceremony the next day, had been traveling in Ecuador and hadn’t been in contact for some time. We were assured by the retreat center owner that he was on his way. His name, Wayra, means wind. The WIND was telling us that he was indeed on his way.

On Friday, July 25 it rained – a cleansing for Pachamama, mother earth. Wayra arrived late afternoon before our ceremony began at 8 pm. Eight brave souls, myself included, participated in the sacred shamanic ceremony. We each drank the plant medicine “potion” prepared by Wayra. For the next five hours, Wayra whistled and sang medicine songs, rattled, played harmonica, smoked big, fat rolled up tobacco leaves, blowing smoke around himself and others, continually cleansing and clearing the energies in the room.  Wayra tended to each of us, physically or energetically, chanting “cleansing, cleansing” and “healing, healing.”

At the end of the ceremony Wayra cleared and closed each of us – he sucked the energy out of my crown portal and spat into a refuse bin, he blew tobacco smoke all around me, including down the front and back of my shirt, he spat a spray of flower water in my face, he cleansed the energy in my hands, he whispered blessings and protections. I remember looking into his face after he pulled me out of my experience. I was startled and felt a little contraction of fear. He looked different than the forty something man who led us into the ceremony. In his face, I saw many shadows and folds – I saw the face of an ancient, timeless shaman; I saw the face of a medicine man.

8 & Wayra

The next day, Saturday, July 26, I reflected back on a poem I wrote about the wind last Thanksgiving day weekend after I spent several days walking in the wind and meditating on its qualities. I revisited my poem and was particularly struck by these passages, which almost perfectly describes Wayra’s presence during our ceremony:

 The wind is nowhere and everywhere.
The wind is a mover and a shaker.

The wind blows in and blows out.
The wind moves the rain in and dries the rain out.

The wind draws tears from my eyes.

See it. Hear it. Feel it.

I let the wind wash over me and around me.
I let it hold me.
I let it refresh me.

What a most curious synchronicity, an accidental premonition. Without knowing it, I was inviting Wayra into my life to assist me in clearing out old, stagnant energies, which is exactly what I experienced during our ceremony. I purged something. I don’t know what. All I know is it’s gone, that I felt and feel spacious inside my chest cavity, my heart ❤ center.

Meanwhile, back in Seattle, another wind was blowing through my life. My new friend Rosh, a connection I made at the start of 2014 while on retreat in Maui, was in town for a Seattle Blind Cafe and staying at my house. This was a first for me. I’ve *never* let someone stay as a guest at my house when I’ve been out of town. Here I was, down in Peru, on the opposite side of the equator, letting some man I’ve really only spent a week, a blind cafe, sporadic email exchanges, and a few phone calls getting to know inhabit my house and have total access to all my belongings.

my inner mystic & Rosh

But…I trust Rosh completely and I didn’t have an ounce of anxiety after I said yes to him “moving into” my house. I was completely ok with his windy/vata energy (code for scattered, a wee bit messy, and kinda accident prone) “living in” my house. Being the more grounded/kapha-ish sort (code for organized and tidy), I noticed and felt the effects of his windy energy when I returned home. I was ok with it and in fact, I found it refreshing to have Rosh’s energy stir and move things around in my house, both literally and figuratively. What good practice for me to be ok with someone being in my sacred space, to welcome someone so fully into my life, and most importantly to TRUST.

At the same time (literally) I was entrusting Rosh with my house, I was also cultivating a trust with Wayra and the plant medicine, learning to trust the plant’s intelligence and wisdom. Out of that trust, I received a most precious lesson and gift from the wind.

Let the wind blow through me. Let the wind clear out stagnant energy. Like the rain, the wind is cleansing and the strongest of winds can be both transformative and healing.

Let … the… wind … in … (and TRUST) !

a WILD BIRTHday

Five years ago – June 27, 2009 – was my wedding day.

my inner mystic wedding day

For four of the past five years I’ve taken myself some place for this anniversary – Italy, Bali, France, and Spain. Those first years it was especially important for me to get away, to take care of myself around this date. I’ve created a lot of new meaning and transformed what June 27 represents in my life. Instead of representing the beginning of the end, the explosion of my 10 year relationship just weeks after our wedding day, this date has become a celebration, an anniversary of my journey of discovery, transformation, and awakening.

That first anniversary was the biggest and the beginning of me reclaiming and transforming what June 27 means in my life. I remember saying to myself and writing in my journal something along the lines of, “my wedding day was the biggest day of my life, but this day is bigger; this day is the beginning of my NEW life.”

June 27, 2010 was the very first day of my first ever yoga retreat. That day, in the hills of Umbria in Italy, I did the biggest yoga poses of my life – adho mukha vrksasana (handstand), pincha mayurasana (peacock), and urdhva dhanurasana (wheel) – with help, of course. Reflecting back I find it very curious that the retreat leader chose me to demo supported wheel pose. I’m pretty sure every single retreat participant supported me in getting up into the pose. Wheel was the pose that did it, the pose that cracked my heart open.

At lunch after our morning yoga I started to feel shaky, started to feel my emotions rising to the surface. I found a safe, secluded, and sheltered spot under some oak trees. I lay down in the middle of a country lane and sobbed uncontrollably for hours – what a most glorious sob-fest. I remember having a sense that the branches of the trees overhead were embracing me. I remember visualizing my closest friends, and all those that supported me through my personal tragedy, in a circle around me.

country lane

Before I left my refuge under the canopy of oak trees, I went to each of the trees and thanked each one for holding me, for creating this space for me.  I stopped at the last tree, was about to thank it, but noticed it was being choked by ivy, its branches broken.  I realized this tree was not part of the “circle” of trees that had supported and held me; its branches were separate from the other trees.  In this tree, I saw him – broken and diseased. Tears came to my eyes. I paused and then pulled myself away from that tree.  I walked away.  I let go.  I headed down the lane back to the villa, but I knew I was setting out on my own path, my journey into my new life.

This year, four years from that day in Italy and five years from my wedding date, was the first year I was home for this anniversary. Five years. Half a decade, I knew I wanted to do something BIG, something sacred to honor myself and this anniversary. Four weeks before my anniversary, I realized June 27 would be a new moon and in that instant a WILD idea lit up in my mind: run WILD and naked in the woods. In the span of one afternoon, I created a vision for a sacred ceremony and WILD adventure.

Last Friday, June 27, 2014, nine of us, myself and 8 other spirited souls, shared a  wild.  exhilarating.  enlivening.  expansive.  liberating.  night together.  I have never laughed and screamed (in shock and glee) so hard in my life. Felt so good.  What a release!!!

The night was magical. Smudging. Calling in energies. Circle. blue Knots. Screeching owls (pretty much on que).  Fire. Sharing / Being witnessed. Poetry. Personal Vows. Dancing. Playful exhibition. Screaming. Running naked in the dark. Running naked in the rain. Howls. Cackles. Laughter. Reflection. Rain sizzling. Rain steaming. on our warm, bright fire. Blessings. Singing. Love. JOY.

circle-fire

I vow to realize my full potential.

I vow to realize my life’s purpose, to do what I am meant to do on this earth and in this life.

Though we gathered to honor my anniversary, the experience was shared and touched and moved each person present in different ways. One woman shared, “I haven’t had this much fun in a very long time.” Another woman said something to the effect of, “I feel like a part of me came back to life.” Yet another woman said, “It was very healing and really powerful to see you ASK to be witnessed.  It was exhilarating to be naked in the rain and to run into the dark.” Another expressed that she was humbled to be in company with others who were meeting their edge and stepping outside their comfort zones.

I slept soundly that night. I felt at peace, contented. I received a highly symbolic message in my dreams. One of my teachers and model of ritual and sacred ceremony, Cosetta Romani, wrote a note for me that said:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Beyond my own self-expansion, my experience of creating and officiating a sacred ceremony to honor myself and my anniversary has revealed my unique gifts and birthed a new dream: a dream to be a CELEBRANT, to create sacred rituals and ceremonies to remember, honor, and celebrate life.

my inner mystic smudging

These wounds
washed by rain, both fierce and gentle
warmed by light, both harsh and tender
become the furrows
where seeds long buried burst their hardened hulls at last
And fall gently into the fertile earth, made rich by cruel disaster.

Dreams long stifled dare to send forth tender shoots

to grow…..

(from a poem written for me for my anniversary by my good friend, Kristen)

A seed has burst through its hull!!!

My new dream was officially born on July 1, 2014, my deceased brother’s 44th birthday. My brother died of brain cancer at the age of 27.

Grazie Mille, Cosetta, for the inspiration. Thank you, Robert, for planting Cosmic seeds. Thank you, Kristen, for the beautiful poem, for truly understanding the depths of my pain and wounding. Thank you, naked Rosh, for inspiring me to grow and stretch, to love and be love.

Thank you most of all to the 8 spirited souls who trusted me, showed up with open hearts, and filled the forest with laughter and de LIGHT!  What a hoot!

Giving Birth to Ourselves

Every morning during my Hana Maui yoga retreat (and sometimes afternoon too), we took a baptismal swim in the Venus Pools, known to be re-birthing pools. I don’t know how the pools came to be known in this way, but I can offer a few guesses based on my own experience.

For me, it was absolutely amazing to jump in and sink into the depths of the pool, totally submerged, to be virtually absent of thought in those moments and seconds of sinking and then rising back to the surface, body and breath suspended in space and time. I remember my first jump, perhaps most memorable of all my jumps.

Venus Pools

Because I was scared, I chose to make the little jump off the bottom rock (keep in mind I had to clear a rock I could see below the surface). The jump, though little, was so very big, so incredibly exhilarating and revitalizing. I felt so alive. I squealed and hollered in glee, in ecstasy, after I broke the surface.

My “official” Venus Pools rebirth, the big contraction that gave way to my expansion, occurred during my emergence from the pool as I slithered and wriggled around, first on my belly and then on my back, head below feet, through what I affectionately call the “birth canal.” I laughed hysterically my first time through the “canal,” feeling so awkward and so challenged to get up and out of the pool. I wouldn’t have it any other way. To make passage through a canal in our adult bodies, to feel the awkwardness, the challenge, the effort it takes to be “born,” to emerge in this life as the fullest and most awake version of ourselves, is so very impacting and transformative, a real rebirth experience.

Reflecting back on my metaphysical rebirth in Maui is helping me to illuminate another rebirth I recently made passage through. I am sitting on the other side of contraction, resting in a place of spacious expansion. Finally. For many long and rather painful weeks I experienced all sorts of difficult contractions and felt the angst of an inner tension and turmoil. The big contraction, the mother of all contractions, has released and I notice that I can breathe easier, that my inner chatter has quieted considerably, that I feel more present in my body and my senses. I am so grateful for the internal shift. I told myself so many times during my contractions that “contraction gives way to expansion,” a concept of the Tantric yoga philosophy I study. Now I can speak to this truth.

We experience the pulse of contraction and expansion repeatedly throughout our lives. Every breath, every moment, every life experience, every life lesson is the pulse of contraction and expansion, an opportunity for rebirth, to give birth to ourselves. Our birthing of ourselves is our awakening into the fullest, most expansive, most vibrant expression of our Self, of our true nature, our essence.

Let’s consider the breath. Every breath is a kind of birth and death, a Samsara, so to speak – the cycle of life, death, and rebirth. Some folks connect with a sense of their own mortality in that moment when the breath is suspended in space and time, in the pause between the exhalation and the inhalation. I see it from an opposite perspective. When we inhale our diaphragm contracts; it draws down and creates a vacuum effect that pulls oxygen into our lungs. When we exhale our diaphragm lets go and releases. This letting go, the release of the contraction, is the moment we give birth to ourselves, the moment we expand.

This is what I experienced in my own life. I let go. I was experiencing a multitude of contractions, many that were induced by my wounding.  The biggest contraction was an attached, clingy, graspy energy living in me – my attachment to a desire, a longing for something. My protective mother, the Universe, intervened. First she said (in the form of a cosmic message), “this does not align with you.” And then, as if to reinforce the first message, she was like, “no, this is not happening.” And with that decisiveness, my clingy energy released and I started to notice a shift inside.

I started to come back online. I felt a remembrance of self. I reconnected with my journey – where I’ve been, what I’ve been through, where I am now, where I’m going on my path of unfurling. I began, once again, to touch in to my inner light. I felt reconnected to my power.  I felt an inner freedom and peace.  I felt expansive. In that space of letting go, my essence began to re-emerge. This re-emergence of self was a rebirth, essentially, a moment of giving birth to my Self.

Circling back to the Venus Pools, I offer one last insight.  Taking the jump is also a letting go – letting go of fear, letting go of control. Sinking into the water, breath suspended in space and time, is a moment of touching into our death. When we rise back to the surface, we are reborn through our breath, a breath that reconnects us to life.  On the other side of letting go is expansion and freedom and bliss.

taking a leap

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Speaking of births, today, April 16, is the birthday of my beautiful friend Jessica.  I honor you for your willingness to dive into the depths of your self and I so cherish our friendship!  LOVE to you today and every day!!  ❤ 🙂

Celebrate! Words of the Season

words in the sand

Several weeks ago one of my yoga teachers announced the she was offering a 7 week “holiday bliss” yoga nidra series, with each week, or practice, focusing on one of the seven chakras.   Forever full of ideas and one who loves to plant seeds, I asked my teacher if she was also planning to pick a holiday word for each practice.

A woman in the class poo-pooed my idea.  I don’t remember her exact words, but whatever she said was very bah humbug, along the lines of “why celebrate the season?” Perhaps she was feeling put off by the commercialism of the season and how manufactured the holidays can feel.  Perhaps she was trying to articulate that not everyone celebrates the holidays.  Or perhaps she was speaking from a place of pain.  For many, the holidays can be a difficult time of year.  Wounds around loss are triggered. Whatever this woman was feeling on the inside, I get where she’s coming from.  I’ve been there.

A few months after my relationship ended, the holiday season arrived.  I wasn’t ready to celebrate.  It was much too painful.  I avoided all things holiday.  No tree, no presents, no cards, no cookies, no holiday music, no parties or celebrations.  I don’t remember why, but I found myself in the decorations aisle at a store a few weeks before Christmas and the pain was heart wrenching.  Cards, trees, ornaments, presents…all of this was a painful reminder of all the Christmases I had celebrated with “my person,” of how fun and special Christmas had been, and how that tradition had been “taken away” from me.  Looking back, I see that my words and feeling that something was “taken away” very clearly illustrates how victimized I felt.  But it’s ok that I felt that way.  I was in a lot of pain.  I was grieving.  I lost something and someone that was a huge part of my life and I needed to experience the fullness of that loss before I could start to heal and move forward into my new life.

A little over three years later (this is Christmas number four post ka-boom) and I still haven’t hauled out the ornaments and put up a tree.  (Putting a tree in a tree stand by oneself is a pretty difficult undertaking and I take such care in hanging ornaments that decorating the tree becomes quite a project).  I still haven’t sent out cards and I still haven’t done any gift giving, other than a few little things where I felt “obligated” to give gifts.  This year I *might* make some cookies.  That first Christmas post ka-boom I decided I wouldn’t celebrate Christmas again until I had a reason to celebrate.  And now I’ve sort of decided that I want to wait until I have someone special in my life with whom to share this season before I once again immerse myself in Christmas traditions and when I do, it might look different than my old life.

Honestly, it’s been good to have some time away from the holidays to get perspective and insight.  I’m not sad that I’m not immersed in the flurry.  For many, this season is a very stressful time of year and for me it’s nice to not have the extra stress of setting up and taking down a tree, shopping for gifts among the crowds, getting cards and packages sent off in the mail, all the parties, family gatherings, preparing holiday meals, and so on.  So much gets packed in within a span of a few weeks that there isn’t much time to relax and reflect and absorb the season and prepare oneself for the New Year.

My second Christmas after my relationship ended I began a new holiday tradition, a tradition of gift giving to oneself, of practicing self care.  I took myself to Costa Rica for a week long New Year’s yoga retreat.  Last year I returned, arriving on Christmas day.  I planned it that way.  I wanted to begin experiencing my Christmas present to myself on Christmas day.  I was greeted and welcomed with many a “Feliz Navidad.”  The simplicity of the expression and greeting was very meaningful, a true gift.  Oh, and the “Christmas” tree I discovered on the beach that was made of drift wood was pretty special too.

Feliz Navidad - Playa Guiones, Costa Rica

Feliz Navidad – Playa Guiones, Costa Rica

What a JOY to be re-united with yogis with whom I shared New Year’s the previous year.  In the beach community of Nosara, Costa Rica I found a new place to go “Home for the Holidays” and in the yoga community, I discovered a new family.  This year I’m headed to Mexico for the New Year to CELEBRATE with a new yoga family and experience the wonder of a new “home.”

In my time off from Christmas, I’ve re-invented the holidays for myself.  For me, this time of year has become an opportunity to give a very meaningful gift to myself – to be in community with like minded souls and develop new friendships, to clear my mind and rejuvenate, and to discover and set intentions for the upcoming year.  The holidays have become less about the hubbub and flurry of Christmas and more about the transition into the New Year, saying good-bye to the previous year and opening myself up to the New Year and all that awaits, allowing the momentum of the retreat experience to carry into the New Year.

To date my holiday retreats have been near the equator along the warm beaches of the Pacific Ocean and I’ve discovered that the sand is a great canvas for discovering what’s in my heart and the qualities and states of being I want to cultivate and manifest in my life.

2012 intentions

Looking back I see that for the last two years I captured words and images in the sand that are often associated with the holiday season.  Yet these words are not exclusive to Christmas or New Year’s.  These are powerful, affirming words that can be intentions we set and manifest in our lives every day of the year.  And if we make a practice of cultivating these qualities and states of being in our lives, we will transform our hearts and our lives and inspire the lives of those around us.  And isn’t that the most beautiful, empowering, and inspiring gift we can give ourselves and to others? to transform our hearts, allowing our being to be filled with pure, limitless LOVE that we can give to ourselves and to others?  I BELIEVE it is and so this holiday season I am gifting myself once again with a gift that will keep on giving.

CELEBRATE with me words of ALL seasons!

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HOPE photo provided courtesy of my friend and member of my Costa Rica yoga family, Heather.